Ambition (or lack thereof)
I'm probably too old for this, but I often find myself wondering "What am I going to do when I grow up?" I plan to leave my current career path in the early 2020s, but beyond that I have no clue, no plan. "Make sure I'm doing something that doesn't make me grumble about how much I hate it every morning, doesn't involve me being responsible for other people's output, and doesn't leave me needing a second job or something to get by" doesn't say much. In fact, it sounds like shit.
Adults aren't supposed to just 'get by', right? I mean, that's irresponsible. The kind of stuff that people who get art degrees do or something. But that's like, exactly what I want. I want to be a janitor somewhere, or a telephone tech support guy, or a cable/internet installer... something where I don't have people to 'lead' and if I fuck it up it was my own fuckup and I have to fix it. Something that, when I don't feel like doing it, or don't feel like I can cope for awhile, I can just say 'the hell with this' for a day or two and not worry about it.
I work six on/one off. I spend my whole week looking forward to that seventh day. But come the last shift of the week I'm dreading that I'm going to squander those precious hours. Accidentally oversleeping, waking up in a crappy mood and not getting myself out of the sulking mood, going somewhere to do something and then realizing as I crawl into my bed that a big portion of the day was just wasted anyway (anyone that lives 45+ minutes away from "stuff to do" knows what I mean).
And all the while I got a little voice screaming at me for not doing more, not doing better, not outshining everyone else at everything. It keeps me up at night. It leads the way in fits of righteous rage when *other* people fail to meet the minimum of my expectations ("I'm a piece of shit but I still manage to get to work on time. What's your excuse?"). I've even been reprimanded because my particular brand of self-depreciating humor was found to be offensive and uncomfortable.
PROTIP: "I calls 'em likes I sees 'em" is generally not the expected response when your boss chastises you for downing yourself or your work product in meetings.
And see. Now voice guy is giving me shit for throwing a self-pity party and not inviting him. Boy howdy he likes to roll me around in when I'm wallowing, but I don't need his help. Voice guy is so busy trying to be best at everything that my warm puddle of self-loathing turns into a pile of broken glass mixed with... something... sticky... I... ... I don't know where I was going with that. Which means I've keyboarded my way through another session of yammering I guess I'm done.
Adults aren't supposed to just 'get by', right? I mean, that's irresponsible. The kind of stuff that people who get art degrees do or something. But that's like, exactly what I want. I want to be a janitor somewhere, or a telephone tech support guy, or a cable/internet installer... something where I don't have people to 'lead' and if I fuck it up it was my own fuckup and I have to fix it. Something that, when I don't feel like doing it, or don't feel like I can cope for awhile, I can just say 'the hell with this' for a day or two and not worry about it.
I work six on/one off. I spend my whole week looking forward to that seventh day. But come the last shift of the week I'm dreading that I'm going to squander those precious hours. Accidentally oversleeping, waking up in a crappy mood and not getting myself out of the sulking mood, going somewhere to do something and then realizing as I crawl into my bed that a big portion of the day was just wasted anyway (anyone that lives 45+ minutes away from "stuff to do" knows what I mean).
And all the while I got a little voice screaming at me for not doing more, not doing better, not outshining everyone else at everything. It keeps me up at night. It leads the way in fits of righteous rage when *other* people fail to meet the minimum of my expectations ("I'm a piece of shit but I still manage to get to work on time. What's your excuse?"). I've even been reprimanded because my particular brand of self-depreciating humor was found to be offensive and uncomfortable.
PROTIP: "I calls 'em likes I sees 'em" is generally not the expected response when your boss chastises you for downing yourself or your work product in meetings.
And see. Now voice guy is giving me shit for throwing a self-pity party and not inviting him. Boy howdy he likes to roll me around in when I'm wallowing, but I don't need his help. Voice guy is so busy trying to be best at everything that my warm puddle of self-loathing turns into a pile of broken glass mixed with... something... sticky... I... ... I don't know where I was going with that. Which means I've keyboarded my way through another session of yammering I guess I'm done.
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